The Lost Art of Mutual Mazzies

Why mutual masturbation deserves a comeback

Alright babes, we’ve made it to Mutual Mazzie May (isn’t that what it’s called?).

You might be thinking—what the fuck is Mutual Mazzie May?
Well, truth be told —it’s a way us Sex Educators get to express our personal and professional love for, yes, masturbation. Specifically, mutual masturbation.

As a Sexologist and fellow sexual connoisseur, I think mutual masturbation is one of the most underrated ways to queer sex.

And by queer, I don’t just mean gay—I mean deconstructing the rigid, heteronormative scripts most of us were handed. Scripts that told us P-in-V = real sex, and everything else is a warm-up.

Hint: mutual masturbation is sex. Always has been. Always will be.

It doesn’t matter if you and your partner(s) have the same bits or different ones. What matters is curiousity, presence, and willingness.
It’s deeply consumed and celebrated in queer spaces—but honestly, I want to bring it back into the everyday hetero bedroom too.

What makes it so good?

Mutual mazzies are:

• A way to explore each other’s bodies in intricate, non-performative ways

• A pressure-free space to give and receive (there’s no one right way)

• A chance to experience sex without penetration

• A fun, co-regulated sexual context that can be slow, silly, or sensual

• A practical tool when you’re tired, overstimulated, or not up for full-blown sex

We’ve grown up in a culture (and very shaky sex ed system) that equated sex with penetration. But sex is more than this. It’s about connection, exploration, and tuning into what feels good—from the hot make-out at the start to the aftercare.

But what if we’re not turned on at the same time?

Exactly. That’s half the point.

It’s actually wild to assume we’re always going to be in sync with our partners. Life is long. Energy levels vary. Hormones shift.

Introducing practices like mutual masturbation makes space for closeness, communication, and pleasure—without needing to be “on” at the same time.

A word on responsive desire

So many people think they’re is something wrong because they don’t feel spontaneously horny. But here’s the science: not everyone is wired that way. Arousal doesn’t always strike like lightning—it often builds through connection. That’s called responsive desire.

Mutual mazzies are great for this because:

• You’re in your body, but not under pressure

• You can be slow, silly, sensual—whatever the moment needs

• You stay connected to your partner while also staying attuned to yourself

For my vaginismus babes, penetration pain crew, and anyone whose body sometimes says “not today,” this is a beautiful, validating, and collaborative way to stay in touch with pleasure.

It’s not new—just under-talked about

Mutual masturbation has existed for as long as human intimacy itself—from ancient sexual texts to modern queer porn to, yes, your group chat.

But when it comes to the mainstream narrative (especially straight relationships), it gets sidelined.

Research from the Kinsey Institute shows that around 60% of heterosexual couples have engaged in mutual masturbation at some point. It’s common—but rarely seen as a “legit” sex act.

Lehmiller, J. (2017). Is Mutual Masturbation Sex? Sex & Psychology Blog

Let’s change that.

Ok great. But Jassy, where do I start?

If this is a new concept—or something you’re coming back to—no stress. I’ve got you.

Here’s how to ease in:

1. Find an unselfish lover.

Someone who’s open, curious, and okay with trying something new.
(Caveat: some people are shy or just haven’t had the chance to learn this stuff. Slowness helps.)

2. Start the conversation.

Try: “I’d love to explore your body—and also show you how I touch myself. Want to try that together?”

3. Get comfy with the newness.

Mazzies together can be awkward. Position changes, weird noises, random laughter—all normal. Lean into the chaos.

4. Go slow.

This isn’t about racing to orgasm. Try: check in → touch → check in again.
Even a dice game or “touch here, kiss there” card can be a fun place to start.

5. Let it be imperfect.

It’s not a performance. Come at it with curiosity instead of the pressure to perform. Questions like— More? or how is that pressure? should I stay here? do you like that or want something else?

TL;DR?

Mutual mazzies aren’t new. They never went out of style in queer communities. But it’s time to bring them back to the straights, the tired, the curious, and the slightly over-it couples who want intimacy that doesn’t rely on just penetration.

Let’s normalise sex that’s soft, slow, strange, hot, quiet, or chaotic.

It’s all valid.
It’s all sex.

As always, it’s a pleasure to have you here.
I put a lot of care into researching and writing this work for you—and if you’re keen to follow more of what I do as a

Sexologist, you can find me here:

Alright back to clinic and surfing

Until next time!

Jassy (She/Her)

Sexologist. Pleasure Advocate. Founder - Second Base