A Sexologist’s Way to More Sexual Self-Esteem

When we talk about self-esteem, we usually think of confidence, self-worth, and how we see ourselves in the world. But what about sexual self-esteem? Is it any different?

Short answer: not really. Self-esteem and sexual self-esteem are deeply interconnected—it’s a classic chicken-and-egg scenario. How we feel about ourselves influences our experience of intimacy, and in turn, our experiences in intimacy shape how we feel about ourselves.

Our sexual self-esteem is shaped by early experiences, cultural messaging, body image, relationship dynamics, and personal beliefs about pleasure and desirability. Many of us were never taught how to feel good about our sexuality, let alone how to unlearn shame, fear, or self-doubt that might be holding us back.

Why Sexual Self-Esteem Matters

As Psychosexual Expert and Pleasure Advocate —@Sexwithally_ puts it.

Sexual self-esteem, for me is about embracing my own pleasure with confidence and self-compassion. It’s about unlearning external expectations, tuning into what truly feels good, and seeing pleasure as a shared, essential part of well-being—never as an afterthought.

Sexual self-esteem isn’t just about how confident you feel in bed—it affects your ability to communicate desires, set boundaries, and experience pleasure without guilt or anxiety.

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People with high sexual self-esteem tend to:

• Feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires

• Have a more positive relationship with their body

• Experience pleasure without guilt or shame

• Set and respect boundaries in intimate relationships

On the other hand, low sexual self-esteem can lead to:

• Avoiding intimacy due to self-consciousness

• Feeling disconnected or "going through the motions" during sex

• Struggling to communicate needs or advocate for pleasure

• Associating sex with guilt, shame, or obligation

So how do we shift the dial on sexual self-esteem? Here’s what I suggest.

1. Challenge the Stories You've Been Told

Most of us internalise beliefs about sex before we even have our first sexual experience. Messages from family, culture, religion, or past relationships all shape how we see ourselves as sexual beings.

Ask yourself:

• What messages did I receive about sex growing up?

• Do I associate pleasure with shame or guilt?

• Where did these beliefs come from, and do they still serve me?

Rewriting these narratives takes awareness, education, and sometimes unlearning years of conditioning, but it makes a real difference.

2. Reconnect With Your Body

Sexual self-esteem isn’t just about thoughts—it’s felt in the body. If you’ve ever felt disconnected or self-conscious during intimacy, chances are your nervous system wasn’t in a place where pleasure felt safe or accessible.

Try this:

• Breathwork or somatic exercises to connect with your body

• Mindful touch practices (solo or partnered) to build a sense of comfort

• Movement-based practices like yoga, dance, or stretching to feel more embodied

Building sexual confidence starts with feeling at home in your own skin.

3. Expand Your Definition of Pleasure

Sex isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom. Pleasure exists in everyday life—in food, movement, creativity, nature, and connection. The more you can build pleasure outside of sex, the easier it is to access it within intimacy.

Ask yourself:

• How do I experience pleasure in my daily life?

• Do I allow myself to fully enjoy it without guilt?

• What small things bring me joy that I can lean into more?

When we prioritise pleasure in all areas of life, it naturally translates into better sex and deeper connection.

4. Prioritise Your Desires (Without Apology)

So many people struggle to ask for what they want—whether in relationships, sex, or life in general. But knowing what you want and feeling worthy of it is key to sexual self-esteem.

Practical steps:

• Practice small asks—start by requesting something simple (e.g., "Can we slow down?" or "I love when you do that, can you do more?").

• Use desire-based language—instead of "I don’t like that," try "I’d love it if…"

• Explore solo pleasure—understanding what feels good for you builds confidence in sharing it with a partner.

Being able to express your needs without fear or shame is one of the most empowering shifts you can make.

5. Surround Yourself With Sex-Positive Voices

If your feed is full of diet culture, unrealistic beauty standards, and outdated ideas about sex, it’s time for a detox.

Instead, fill your world with voices that support body acceptance, pleasure, and real talk about intimacy. Some great places to start:

• Books on sex and pleasure (Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a must-read)

• Podcasts and educators who discuss intimacy without shame (hint hint—this one)

• Therapy or coaching focused on sexual well-being

The more you expose yourself to sex-positive messaging, the easier it is to shed shame and step into confidence.

Final Thoughts: Sexual Self-Esteem Is a Practice

No one wakes up one day with unshakable sexual confidence. It’s something you build, unlearn, and relearn over time.

Start small. Challenge a belief. Try a new pleasure practice. Have one honest conversation. Every step matters.

And remember—your pleasure, your confidence, and your self-worth are worth prioritising.

Listen to My Podcast, Work With Me, and Read More

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Always a pleasure, never a chore.

Jassy (She/Her) —Sexologist, Somatic Practioner