Why Mismatched Libido with Sexual Partners Is Normal
I had another article planned, but a certain French lover inspired me to write this one instead.
Before we dive in, I want to clarify something. While I’ve named this article "Mismatched Libido" because it’s a term most people are familiar with, I’d like to reframe the discussion. Instead of viewing it as a problem, let’s call it what it really is: desire discrepancy (DD)—a natural difference in how and when partners experience sexual desire.
Through the remainder of this article, I’ll refer to it as “DD” or “Desire” to shift the focus from “mismatch” (which can feel negative) to a more neutral and understanding perspective.
Is it ever realistic to expect that when you start dating, sleeping with, or casually seeing someone, your desires will magically align? Probably not. Yet, there’s this weird unspoken myth that someone will match you sexually in every way—frequency, kinks, preferences, sexual styles, and beyond.
The truth is, DD is incredibly common. It’s not about finding someone who perfectly aligns with you, but rather learning how to navigate those differences together.
Why It’s Normal
1. Desire is Fluid
Sexual desire isn’t constant—it changes based on factors like stress, health, hormones, and lifestyle.
Two people are unlikely to feel the exact same level of desire at the same time, especially over the course of a long-term relationship.
2. Different Triggers for Desire
Some people experience spontaneous desire (they feel ready for sex out of the blue), while others need responsive desire (they need emotional connection or physical stimulation to feel turned on).
Neither is wrong—they’re just different approaches to arousal.
3. Life Stages and Priorities
Desire naturally ebbs and flows with major life events.
Things like kids, work stress, aging, and even your relationship history can have a big influence on your sexual drive.
4. Varied Preferences
Beyond frequency, people differ in how they like to engage sexually—whether it’s about exploring kinks, different styles, or the level of emotional connection they want.
Practical Ways to Navigate DD
Clinical Sexologist & POSMO Founder Laura Miano shared some insightful advice for handling DD:
"Rather than focusing on whether or not a big session of sex happens, shift your attention to bringing flirtiness and sexiness into your everyday interactions. If building intimacy in small moments feels hard, getting to a bigger sex session may be even harder. Start by complimenting your partner on how sexy they look, touching them in sensual, playful ways, being cheeky, and turning mundane moments into something fun and connected."
This advice is backed by research. A 2024 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that sexual satisfaction is closely tied to overall relationship happiness.
Interestingly, the study highlighted that:
For people who identify as men, sexual satisfaction was the most central variable in relationship happiness.
For those who identify as women, sexual desire itself played a more pivotal role.
How to Implement This in Your Relationship
Shift Your Focus from the End Goal:
Sex doesn’t have to mean a full session every time. Small moments of connection—like a lingering kiss or playful touch—can make a huge difference.Reframe Intimacy:
Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling seen, desired, and connected. Sometimes a cuddle or a cheeky compliment can be just as fulfilling.Use Tools to Connect with Your Body:
If you’re struggling to shift gears mentally, try my Low Desire Meditation. It’s a quick way to get you out of your head and into your body [Access it here.]Communicate Openly:
Instead of focusing on what’s “wrong,” talk openly about what you both want more of—and what feels good for each of you.
Desire Discrepancy Is Normal
Having DD doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It’s a natural part of being with another person, whether casually or in a long-term partnership.
The key is to approach the topic with curiosity rather than frustration and to focus on ways to connect that feel good for both of you.
Love This Article? Share It.
If you enjoyed this article, the best way to support me is by sharing it with someone who might need it. And don’t forget to take a moment today to slow the fuck down—you deserve it ( and no you don’t need to earn it).
Until next week,
Jassy (She/Her) (aka Sass)
Sexologist & Founder of Second Base
